There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
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