I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
