Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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