Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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