We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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