I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
