Taylor Swift is so right about you.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
