when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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