I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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