Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
