Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
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