If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize