Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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