And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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