I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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