Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
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