If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
