a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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