i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Randomize
