he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
