Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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