hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
