He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaÃt comercial?
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
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