Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
