Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
