Dude my mom stole all your condoms
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
