he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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