I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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