Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Randomize