I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
