I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
