I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
