I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
