I can text with my tongue
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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