i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
