I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
