just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
