Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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