Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize