Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
