I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Randomize
