dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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