On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
