Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize