I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Randomize
