So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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