Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
