Got a toothbrush?
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
