whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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