she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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