I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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