my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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