I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Randomize
