stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
