If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Randomize
