All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize