Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
