Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
