the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
