i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
