he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
