oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
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