ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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