did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Randomize