I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Randomize
