All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
