Pants 0. Shit 1.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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