You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
