but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
