The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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